apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Randomize
