I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
