ugly people sure do ruin things
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
