Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
