You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
