hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
