Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Randomize
