Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
