Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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