Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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