1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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