Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
