dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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