He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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