Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
