it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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