He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
