Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
