This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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