stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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