Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
