Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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