Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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