you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
