I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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