My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She's just so happy...and so naked.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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