I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
