i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
