I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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