i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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