I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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