already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
