I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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