So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
