I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
