I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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