i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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