Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
