So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
