I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
