This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
