Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
