batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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