You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
