somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
But break dance skills will only take you so far
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Randomize
