I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
