i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
