Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
