you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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