I must be too annoying 4 u.
My hand turned me down
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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