im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
