mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
